Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
