Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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