It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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