I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
