He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
