I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
