I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
well you can't waste a boner
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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