I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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