if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
