just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize