Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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