so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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