I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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