btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize