He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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