If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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