Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
