Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Do vagina's smell?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
