I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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