The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
