I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
