I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
