just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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