i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
