theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
