she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
