I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
