I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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