Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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