Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
