you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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