Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
