I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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