I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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