I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
