i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
