Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
