Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
