i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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