Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
