Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
