ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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