Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize