I wanna bring you to show and tell
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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