On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
