I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize