cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
