I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
