did you get engaged???
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
