my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
