Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
