P.S. I can't hear my feet
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
