Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize