you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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