They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
