I just threw up on my dentist
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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