Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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