I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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