I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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