were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
