She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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